SUMMER LOVING

Where do I start…

Well, let’s just say this has been one hell of a summer.  It has been over two months since my last post and a lot has happened since then.

This has been a summer of:

LOVE…

LOSS…

HEARTBREAK…

SELF DISCOVERY…

TEARS…

LAUGHTER…

JOY…

…and finally, a renewed sense of purpose, self and strength.

The summer kicked off with me meeting a suitor, we shall call him Pierce. I fell hard and fast for Pierce.  It was a bit of a whirlwind that knocked me off my feet, my game and my track. I got so caught up in this new romance I let my priorities slip. I stopped writing, I let my personal drive fall by the wayside and threw myself into him instead. Welp…. that blew up in my face.

As it turned out, Pierce was indecisive, rude, selfish, and pretty much flat out disrespectful. You know how those men are. They come in hot-  “Love bombing” you making you feel really great about yourself. Then they slowly start exposing their true selves. You start to see those red flags, but through those rose-colored glasses, you don’t see them for what they really are. There were a lot of ups and down, back and forth, yes and no, and ultimately I ended up heartbroken.

I spent so much of my time with and focused on this person and trying to make that work that I ended up losing sight of my own priorities and goals.  I find I do that sometimes. I get swept up and with my head in the clouds I forget to keep my feet on the ground. Essentially, the whole thing blew up and I was bummed.  Really bummed. That ugly depression reared its head again. I cried countless tears. Had a handful of those days where facing the world was just too much. I couldn’t bear to get out of bed, let alone leave the house.  

Then my little love bubble burst.

As a follow up to the kidney cancer I had removed two years ago, I have a yearly abdominal CT scan done to ensure no recurrence of cancer. The results came back and I am still cancer free (CANCER FREE OVER TWO YEARS NOW!!)… but being Chronically Bridget- always having some new issue pop up-  there was another issue.

Not only was my heart figuratively broken, I learned that it was literally broken too.  The CT scan detected an abnormality in my heart. I had an echocardiogram done to learn more about it and as of publishing this I don’t know the results.  I am (not so) patiently waiting to meet with a Cardiologist– a doctor who specializes in heart and vascular function. Meanwhile, I am trying to not let a million different scenarios run through my head. I don’t know much at this point and am trying to stay as calm as I can about it.

More than anything I’m frustrated.

This is just how my life has gone since being diagnosed with FSGS.  There is always some sort of issue popping up. Through the years, I have had so many random health issues I can’t even remember most of them.  I see this as just one more. Everytime I seem to be getting healthier, back on track, and feeling ‘normal’, a new concern arises.

I have spent a lot of time throughout the years crying over these things, wishing my case was simple.  Not, as the doctors like to tell me: “interesting.” They like my case because I am NOT textbook. I somehow end up with a plethora of unique ailments that keep my physicians on their toes.

Fun for the doctors… not so fun for me.  

So, now I wait.  

I wait to hear if this is a small problem.  

I wait to hear if I need new medications for this.

I wait to hear if surgery is required.

I wait to hear how this will affect my life going forward.

Always changing.  Always adapting.

We all do it.

I guess for some of us it’s a bit less life and death though.

As I wait to hear the news I am not just sitting around.  I’m not wallowing in fear and doubt. I’m not crying myself to sleep every night.  I am renewed. It’s funny how hearing something like this has a way of kicking your ass and putting life back into perspective.

A positive from this summer… besides the amazing times I had with my friends (I’ll share some of the ups from the summer in another post soon)… is that I have learned I don’t just want, but NEED to be by the beach.  Every time I was down, feeling lost or hopeless I would head to the beach, put my toes in the sand, look out at that great big ocean, and realize my issues aren’t the end of the world.  I’m not the center of the world either – don’t be shocked… but it’s true ;). I am but a measly grain of sand. One tiny, yet important piece, of the puzzle. Sitting on the beach would always center me and bring me a sense of calm, joy, and peace I don’t find elsewhere.

The time I spent this summer near the ocean helped me refocus, grow, and learn not only about the world and myself, but also re-learn to love myself and my worth as I continue to adjust my expectations, goals, and dreams.

For now that goal is to (FINALLY) move out of my parent’s place, after 3 years- and about 2.5 years longer than planned, and head south to SAN DIEGO. Return to my college stomping grounds.  Come full circle from when I first was diagnosed with FSGS and attending college in San Diego (San Diego State –  go Aztecs!)… before any of the transplants, dialysis, cancer, or heart issues.

I want to return to the place that brought my so much joy 18 years ago.  

I think I’ve been through enough.  

I think it’s time.

I’m ready to bring that piece of joy into my life.

~Bridget (BIRD)